Tom Spooner
I wanted to start writing about War and matters of the Heart. We all have stories of what we did during Battle. I wanted to write about other aspects of War that were equally devastating to me.
We all understand what it is like to have your heart broken. From a girlfriend, death of a family member, big opportunity lost etc. Below is one that I have experienced and I know many of you have also.
Heart Break at Home
What comes to my mind is the multiple times I had to look at my wife and sons and kiss them, hug them, smell them, Feel them, look at their faces and try to burn all of it into my mind, body and Soul because I knew and accepted that I would never see them again in this Life.
Each time, it only got harder, not easier. Each time it made my Heart just a little bit harder. A callous around my Heart. Not towards my Family but to the rest of Humanity that would attempt to steal them from me and separate us, from each other.
It saddens me to think about it…still.
At least half of my struggles with PTSD and MTBI relate back to these matters of the Heart.
Battle Scars
The other times was right before every infil when I was in a helo, vehicle, or on foot, when I said My prayer “My Creator, Watch over my Family with a ready Sword. To my Brothers (that had died, that went from Eagles to Angels) Help us, be with us on this objective. Grant that I may show Mercy or Be Merciless. And lastly I would commit all that I am to My Lord, My God.” The last part always made me shudder to my core, because I knew the Reality of what I was saying and I meant it.
I did this thousands of times, each time was harder not easier. Each time the last image of my Family that I had burned into my mind, body and Soul flashed before me, so I always knew what I was placing on the Altar of Freedom. Every single time.
The two were connected.
At least half of my struggles with PTSD and MTBI relate back to these matters of the Heart.
They are still with me and only continue to make me sad and angry when I go back to them in my memory. I have learned to use that emotion and those photos burnt into my mind’s eye for fuel for the future. I was taught to do that and it works for me.
Maybe one day the sadness and Heart Break will go away. Maybe it won’t. Time will tell and until that time, I will be Grinding, doing good works for my People.
–Tom Spooner
Warriors Heart
